What happens in B'ham, stays in B'ham.

Yesterday kicked off just like one of those days when you consider rolling out of bed a huge task. While I was lazily eating porridge, with a paracetamol hangover from the night before (prevention of the post-soaking-in-the-rain cold), I got a call from The Job. It was 12:20pm, they needed me in the office at 2pm to pick up tapes, which had to be delivered to Birmingham for last night's X Factor Tour gig, by train, the one leaving at 2:43 at THE LATEST. Isn't it funny that when you're in a hurry and have to run to beat the clock, your bones seemingly turn into cotton and it feels like fire burning your lungs? Weird, but that's what happens when you're a headless chicken of the day, running around.
BUT, I made it, I caught the train, I got to the LG Arena, I delivered the tapes, I got a "WORKING" pass, I was a James Bond undercover.

I also didn't know anyone, so I felt really awkward for about 20 minutes. Then I decided to explore the venue with my camera, but to do that, I had to ask if it was permitted first. Even promoter gave me clearance, so off I went to take photos of badass construction details and stuff that's probably massively boring for average people (although I can say that I stood on THE STAGE for a minute, wow, go me).

 

  

  

  

  

  

 

I think I crossed paths with X Factor Starlets Crew two or three times, but I was busy photographing THINGS, plus, my conscience doesn't allow me to shoot people when they're having their quiet time. I'm not a fucking paparazzo, I don't want to bother anyone. Although, clearly, some people love to be bothered.
Jedward. You know how some people are said to have a gaydar? Well, those boys have a lensedar. I don't know if they can smell cameras or maybe have some camera tracking devices implanted in their skulls. They're picture-ready in a millisecond. Unbelievable, photowhoring in its purest form. Truly.
I experienced that shortly after "Meet-n-Greet" (little farsa where VIP ticket holders meet Ze Starlet Crew in a huge, freezing hangar, to take some classic landmark pictures, collect autographs and mingle). I considered it a good opportunity to snap some photos of... other people taking photos. So totally behind the scenes. So raw. So emotive. SO ART.

 

  

  

  

 

When it was about to end, I moved myself to a spot where I could catch singers exiting the hangar, for another set of candid, non-posed photography.

I also took a picture of an awesome security guy, who was a bit shocked, saying "Why do you want to photograph ME? I'm not famous!". I just said it's hard work of the people like him what really does make events like that happen.

Anyway, starlets kept exiting.

 

 

Flash went off. Instant reaction: "HEY YOU WANT TO TAKE SOME PICTURES?!" + immediate set of poses. What the fuck did their parents feed them, please someone tell me. They're like the entire kindergarden. On crack. Entertaining as hell though, so kudos.

Anyway, it was still about 25 minutes till the start of the show, so I went to get some tea. But as I entered the catering area, my stomach emotionally blackmailed me and I had to get some food as well. Veggie burger with sweet potato wedges, tomatoes and salads selection. Delish. Stomach happy=G blooming.

I ditched the big bad camera. I didn't really want to test stage security's and promoter's patience by photographing the show itself, for which you do need a photo pass. Although now that I think of it, you only need a pass to get into a pit, and was on a side of the stage. But whatever.

You know what X Factor Tour is? It's a crowd-pleasing puddle of cheese from a can. Possibly the lowest form of entertainment, but entertainment nevertheless, therefore, I was smitten and entertained. I mean, it did start off bad with that godawful Black Eyed Peas "I've Got a Feeling" song performed by the entire Starlet Crew. Then there were individual performances, I don't know those people's names, so I apologize for being ignorant, also sorry if the order isn't right. The first kid, kinda like a blondish boy band reject did "Cry Me a River" (or some other song). Dude with the marvelous afro and a smashing tshirt butchered "Sex on Fire", but there were real fireballs on the stage to distract from a blatant musical murder. Basically, there was a lot of pyro fun times. Jedward epically killed "Under Pressure", which was actually a mash up with "Ice Ice Baby". They had an army of dancers to keep audience distracted. Then the guy with a tricky name (Danyl?) did "Purple Rain" and I actually had goosebumps, how embarrassing. Then, I think there was that chick slaying "Sweet Child o' Mine" (there are two chicks in the Starlet Crew, same skyscraping stilettos, same hair extensions, same do's, just different colours). She also sang something that sounded exactly like Avril Lavigne song, but it was supposedly an original track, from what I heard her saying? Nice try. Then twins performed "Rock DJ", once again joined by an army on stage. This time: 2 scantily clad female DJs, 3 girls in bikinis, 2 builder guys in yellow helmets (YMCA style), 2 stewardesses, a pilot, a female pilot (?), a guy covered in oil and flexing all the time and a guy showing off his six pack while rollerskating. Phew. It was one of those situations when you just give up trying to make any sense out of it. Brilliant. I think then the first boy performer sang again. Then the one who's X Factor's Justin Timberlake. Stacy (ha! I remember a name!) did unspeakable things to Coldplay's "The Scientist", and not in that good way. I had to go to toilet actually, it upset me that much. I thought about already packing and leaving 10 minutes before the end of the first part, but I heard Ghostbusters intro. Sprinted to the side again to watch what was going on. And oh mama... a lot was going on. The Starlet Crew (minus Jedward) on the main stage singing, twins themselves in Ghostbusters costumes suspended under the ceiling, hovering over the audience, while at the same time, on the stage, a huge inflatable marshmallow man scaring a lady in her pink dressing gown, who was trying to run away, but since there were other creatures there as well, like vampires, mummy, werewolf, small sheet ghost etc, she couldn't, so she was waiting for our heroes, who were joined by 4 dancer dressed up as Ghostbusters as well and WORD, wasn't that all fucked up. Can I say I've seen it all now? Yes I can.